State of the Bengals Address...

       I know I promised the ladies of Trox Talk an Oprah post next, but that post has been regrettably preempted due to a rift in my Bengal fandom. Did anyone catch any of the NFC or AFC championships this weekend? If you did, you not only witnessed four NFL organizations who clearly have their acts together, but you probably noticed the way they all lived up to their expectations, played their asses off, and whether they won or lost, had nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, fans of the Bears and the Jets are disappointed today I'm sure, but at least they know they won't have to suffer through a litany of poor excuses, mismanagement, and underachievement any time soon. I bet you can already see where I'm going with all this. If you're an unfortunate Bengals fan like myself, you've pretty much come to terms with the idea that this team will break you down in every way imaginable over the course of a season. Even when the Bengals have success (which is next to never), it's usually overshadowed by tragedy, criminal activity, managerial stupidity, lack of preparation, poor scouting, awful personnel signings, or some other random act of the cosmos designed to bring all of us in the who dey nation back to reality..What is the reality? We are not fans of a good football team.
       If you were a Bengals fan watching the games this past Sunday it's likely you noticed a couple of things. First of all, you saw what it takes to make a solid run in the NFL playoffs, and you realized the Bengals don't have it. Second of all, you no doubt saw the incessant ticker running along the bottom of the screen every 23 seconds that read: "ESPN is reporting that Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer will ask the team for a trade and is contemplating retirement if the team doesn't. A Bengals spokesperson tells FOX19 that the team has no comment."
      My first thought was pure unadulterated rage. I wanted to break something, but everything in the man cave is too expensive, so I kicked both of my dogs down the stairs instead...Not really, but I was pretty upset. My guess is last week C.P. had a meeting with Mike Brown, the owner of the Bengals, and expressed his desire for a new offensive coordinator. (If you didn't know, it is universally accepted and laughed about in many circles just how insanely predictable Cincinnati's offensive play calling can get sometimes. Brat is the reason they mock us. If you ever want some free swag or a gift cert for a few free wings, just go to B-Dubs on Sunday when they are playing You Be QB on the big screen and guess what he's going to call next. If I can watch it on my couch and tell you every single play the Bengals are going to run in any given scenario, odds are the opposing defense can probably figure it out too.) I just bested my personal record for length of a thought in parenthesis, which means I accomplished more than the Bengals did last season.  Anyway, Carson, in my estimation, tells Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis "Hey guys. It's Brat or me." And they can't run to the papers fast enough to let everyone know that ol' Bob's not going anywhere. Fast forward a week or so to Sunday and all of a sudden #9 wants out of our fair city. When my hate for all things football subsided, I really couldn't blame him. Too be honest, at times, I sort of want out too.

See? They're fine.

      Here's the thing. If I go to a restaurant and the food is shitty, the service sucks, there's nowhere to park, the TVs have Golden Girls on half of them, and the other half are showing a game in standard def, I DON'T GO BACK THERE! Nevertheless, I have had the Bengals take-out menu every Sunday for as many seasons as I can remember. So what is wrong with me!?!? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth just about every week, and when I actually am satisfied it has more to do with what they didn't screw up than the part of my order that they finally got right. Is this analogy getting away from anyone? You following me? Great. So then I take my paper bag home after being completely over-charged, they forgot the napkins, and half of the hot-n-sour soup is soaking through the bottom because they didn't put the lid on all the way. I would just order from somewhere else next time, but hey, they are the only football...errr...chinese joint in town. I'm not going to drive all the way to Cleveland just for a bite. Besides, from the looks of things there isn't much left to eat up there anyway..

 Who has one polish sausage for a thumb that still works and hates salad? THIS GUY!!

       As Bengals fans, we're stuck. I think a lot of people are pissed off at Carson Palmer because he isn't stuck here. He's minded his P's and Q's, played the roll of starting QB to a fault, and has enough duckets in the bank to just bail on everything Bengals to start a new life if he wants. If you step back and honestly think about it objectively, can you blame him for wanting to get out of here? He plays for one of only a handful of NFL teams that has no general manager. The owner of the franchise calls all of the shots, and anyone who watched Hard Knocks last year could plainly see that the man is lost. You don't need to be a math whiz to understand the inequality of Mike Brown < Paul Brown. They also have sub-par training facilities, an awful medical staff, and a scouting department that is underfunded and understaffed. I feel like anyone who says, "Oh Carson Palmer hasn't been good since he got hurt in the playoffs a few years back. He's scared of getting hit." just doesn't get it. Wouldn't you be scared too if you were the quarterback of this team. If you are injured you know you won't have the right doctors to get you the most accurate diagnosis, the proper resources to rehab the injury, and everyone is going to be salty with you like it's your fault that your backup doesn't know how to play football...Well, in Carson's case I guess the crappy backup is pretty much his own fault, but how can he fix all of the organization's other problems?

I'm good with $390,460.00 per season, but WTF is a snap count, bro?

        Speaking of J-Palm, he might be the only guy more upset than me to see Carson go. It has to be the worst feeling in the world being the less talented brother of a superstar. The only thing worse would be if your superstar brother got you a job, he was the sole reason you were allowed to hang on to that job, and then he bailed on you after everyone had already had time to figure out that you are in no way qualified for said job. I don't care what field you're in. I don't blame Carson for helping his brother out though. I love my brother to pieces, and I would get him a job anywhere I could with me, so long as I knew he could stand on his own without me and that I'd be better than him at it. Whatever happens to Jordy, he'll end up on his feet. After all, he does have that iPhone app for people with huge prostates...

 

Next he plans to design an app for people who are constantly getting sacked on 3rd down...

        Another rumor making it's way around the mill is that many of the Bengals are so invested in Carson as a leader, that if he chooses to take a different path in his life, they will too. We all know wide receivers Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco likely won't be back next year either way, but Cedric Benson, and Jonathan Joseph, in my humble opinion, are consistently two bright spots on the Bengals roster who might start exploring other options as well if Carson gets his wish and is dealt to another team. I would like to think those rumors aren't true, but they kind of make sense. Cedric's chances of returning have been described by those around him as "dim" after it was announced that Bratkowski will return next season. On March 4th the current Collective Bargaining Agreement expires along with the contracts of shutdown corner Jonathan Joseph and linebacker Dhani Jones who led the team in tackles last season. If the Bengals fail to re-sign these guys before that time, it won't just be the offense who is in danger of losing it's key players.

         Although this particular post might suggest otherwise, I love this team. I take a lot of joy in their success and when they fail, like a lot of the people in Cincinnati, I fall pretty damn hard right along with them. I'm not going to sit up on my high horse of internet anonymity and pretend like I have all the answers. In fact, if this team is a sinking ship, I'll be one of the dumbasses bobbing around in a life jacket waiting for the coastguard to come and scoop me up. There are just a few unrealistic and judgmental points of view that I don't agree with in this town when it comes to sports. Idealists will tell you that WE, the fans, are the problem. As long as we hold onto hope, rock striped jerseys, and spend our hard earned dollars on tickets, parking, concessions, and any other number of things that load up Mike Brown's pockets, we will never see change. I'd like to know what those same idealists think "change" is. The team is dissolved? Sold? Burned to the ground for not being profitable? So in the words of Lebron James (or Nike depending on your perspective)....

          "What should I do? Should I burn my jerseys? Pretend like Carson Palmer is washed up and that the Bengals are better of without him? Should I tell you that I have converted to being a Steelers fan (gross)? Or that Ray Lewis doesn't kill people (allegedly)? Should I bandwagon jump like the rest of the fairweather a**holes in this fickle city? Ben Roethlisberger is not a role model! Should I stop watching Bengals games with my friends? They're my friends. Maybe I should just watch women's Lacrosse on ESPN 14 instead of football. What should I do?" 

 

My parody wasn't as good as this one...but you get the idea.

         I did compare the Bengals to nasty egg rolls earlier, but they are MY nasty egg rolls. I don't want to see them end up in a different city somewhere else. I know that I couldn't in good conscience cheer for another team outside of the one I grew up supporting, so I doubt you'll see me in Pats gear anytime soon. The future for all of us die hard Bengals fans seems pretty up in the air right now. I am sure about 2 things though.. 

#1. My family is going to continue to be "part of the problem" when we go buy replacements for these soon-to-be-useless rags..

#2.  I wish Carson all the best just like I wish I had any idea what on earth we are going to do to replace a Heisman Trophy winning, all-time PAC 10 pass leading,  two time Pro-bowler, who lead this team to it's only two playoff appearances in the last 20 years..  I know he didn't exactly shine this year, but I don't think Peyton Manning or Tom Brady would have played much better in this circus of an NFL franchise. I guess I'll have to get together with some friends, grab some beers, and watch the draft to find out what happens next... Is Vince Young still out there? Go Packers!!

Warmest Regards,

Trox

P.S.  This post took precedent due to all of the "What's your take on Carson?" emails and texts I've received since yesterday. I'll get to the Oprah post on Wednesday or Thursday. Then keep your eyes peeled for a  Trox Talk weekend special! I'm going to be a guest on www.thebestcast.com which, if you haven't heard, is pretty much The Best Podcast on the web.